i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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