tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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