Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize