my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
