We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
