Welp...herpes.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
