What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
