Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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