Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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