Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They took my balls.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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