It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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