My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
