Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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