i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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