I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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