you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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