Plan B is the new Plan A
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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