I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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