I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize