I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
