Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
