this beer tastes like vomit already
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize