I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
