I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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