my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
