New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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