get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize