awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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