OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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