You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
