Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
