he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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