I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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