did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize