he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
