Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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