I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
this will be a night to untag.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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