yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
