We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
