Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
