the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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