We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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