i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
