I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
