I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
