so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
