I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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