Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
