I have demons in me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
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