I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
