Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize