she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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