thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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