I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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