all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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