If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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