Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
