uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's just like the Real World with babies
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
