today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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