i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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