You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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