youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
