If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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