Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
